You’re Driving Me… Terrified!
The topic of whether or not someone, particularly an elderly person, is truly capable of safely driving is a tricky topic. It is often a very emotional time in an individual’s life, especially if they still perceive themselves as being capable of being behind the wheel, while loved ones and other people may disagree.
As the loved one or caretaker of an aging person, it can be tough to initiate the conversation that it might be time to put down the keys. But if it is a question of their safety, the public’s safety, or both, the conversation must be had.
Before you bring up the topic, it is important that you deeply understand where the other person is coming from and also understand how they are feeling.
For your loved one, giving up driving may feel like an admission that they are incapable, or not safe, or that you are calling them “old.” They are either willingly or unwillingly being put in the position where other people are now required to start taking care of them, and this can be humbling and quite the blow to one’s ego.
It can also feel like they are being asked to give up their freedom. Even if they rarely drive places, the very idea that they could if they actually wanted to is comforting. When they feel like they can’t go places at will, it may make them feel a bit trapped and perhaps even resentful.
So how do you initiate the conversation in a way that helps your loved one understand that you are just trying to do what is best for them?
Come armed with solutions, rather than just presenting the problem. If you are asking them not to drive anymore, what alternatives do they have? Will you be driving them everywhere they need or want to go? Are you offering to pay for an Uber or Lyft ride? Are there other family members who can help transport them?
Help them understand that they aren’t a burden. Family is important. If they are your parent, it is very likely that they drove you around to social activities, school, and other places as you were growing up. This is an option for you to balance the scales out a bit.
Provide them with options that still allow them to feel independent. For example, many communities have some sort of bus or senior transportation option that is inexpensive and flexible. Make sure they have that phone number and the money to use the services at will (Obviously, there are additional concerns if there are memory issues involved).
If you need to, have proof. Sometimes, people don’t realize just how dangerous their driving has become. If you can show them photos or videos of unsafe driving practices, poor parking habits, etc., they can at least see that the topic goes a bit farther than opinions like “Oh, my son just thinks he can drive better than I can.”
Point the finger at something other than their ability to drive. For instance, if they are taking medication that could impair their driving abilities, then you can blame the medication rather than their personal driving abilities.
If necessary, call in the big guns. In many states, a doctor can request that a patient be tested by the DMV to check their abilities to safely operate a vehicle. If it is becoming a large fight in your family, getting a third party involved that gives them the ability to prove that they are still capable of driving can keep the family peace. Just be willing to accept that they can drive if they are able to pass the required tests still.
Have you had a difficult conversation like this with a loved one? Do you have any additional tips or tricks to share? Please tell us in the comments below!